On Wednesday, John Mulaney made good on his promise to fight three 14-year-old boys. Well, he made OK on the promise.
“Four weeks ago, I promised to fight three 14-year-olds. From thousands of submissions, we selected three young men that are about to join me on the mat,” Mulaney set the Everybody’s Live with John Mulaney bit up. “All you at home, all you’ve done is talk, talk, talk. It’s time to end the smack talk, end the conjecture and settle this, man-to-boy.”
The rules for the final segment on his “What Is on the Mind of Teens?” episode were pretty straight-up: no punching, no kicking, no gouging, no biting. Headlocks were legal, “so long as the arm is encircled” (one of your opponent’s arms had to be included within the head or neck lock). In other words, it wasn’t so much a fight as it was a measured grappling session.
Related Stories
The live studio audience was pumped nonetheless, and lively intros for the boys from guest Adam Sandler and executive producer/announcer Richard Kind set the stage. Kind could barely be bothered introducing his actual host though, which did not go unnoticed by Mulaney. The kids were also the clear fan favorites. Mulaney got booed by members of his own audience — he flipped those people the bird.
The four fighters took their shoes, socks, watches, rings and ties off (the boys entered the studio in the same suit and tie as Mulaney, though they got wrestling headgear) and entered the amateur-wrestling mat (with pro-wrestling-style ropes, though they were more like red carpet velvet ropes).
Ding-ding.
Mulaney went straight for the heaviest kid, who did most of the work while the other boys assisted here and there. Once they collectively dumped the 42-year-old comedian face down on the mat, a (legal) headlock was applied and Mulaney tapped. It was over in 50 seconds — or like two puffs of onlooker Sean Penn’s cigarette — start to finish.
Watch clips of the match here:
The idea for the fight was born out of the viral 100 men vs. one gorilla online debate. This is what the Everybody’s Live writers room settled on.
“I think a lot of those simulations online are super-flawed, because it’s going to be a pile,” Mulaney said at a recent FYC event for his talk show, according to IndieWire. “People might be picturingoneyoung man — I think it’s going to be all three jumping on me, and that’s what I’m preparing for.”
That’s more or less what happened, and the “gorilla” gave up.
Of course, this was always a losing proposition for Mulaney.
Mulaney is not exactly a physical specimen, but he is a 6’1” 42-year-old man; he could definitely hurt a 14-year-old boy. Except, he definitely couldn’t hurt the kids, even accidentally, because that would have been disastrous for both him and Netflix.
A Netflix spokesperson did not immediately respond to The Hollywood Reporter’s request for comment on the match.
“Do I go in being like, ‘Man, I can’t on nationalTV— I have a family, I can’t push a 14-year-old,’” Mulaney said at the FYC event. “But … the second someone’s up in your space…you can snap. I think that’s what I’m counting on.”
Thankfully, he didn’t snap. Mulaney, a new dad, played it very safe, which as a practical matter left him nearly no way to win. Anyone who has ever been — or ever even know — a pubescent boy knows they were not going to tap out without fairly significant pain. There probably should have been a pinning option.
It was a funny idea (14+14+14 = 42) born of a meme, and Mulaney did not go back on his promise; his promise just painted him into a corner. With Netflix’s lawyers almost certainly in Mulaney’s head — if not directly in his ear — the payoff to this monthlong setup could only be a disappointment. And so it was. Then again, if I, also a dad, am disappointed that a fight between a man one year younger than me and a trio of high school freshmen was a bit of a dud, it’s probably time to take a hard look in the mirror.
